Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Been thinkin' a lot today

I compartmentalize extremely well. I've never been one to burn things in effigy. Songs that remind me of someone who hurt me, things that such people gave me - I can detach the painful memories and enjoy those things for their inherent value. It's the same with the people in my life. I don't miss people very well. It's not that I don't care or that I'm not thinking about them; I'm just really good at mentally separating my school life from my home life.

It's probably not the healthiest way to live, but it works out pretty well for a back-and-forthish sort of life such as mine. But it's about to be a problem.

When your best-ish friend lives two houses down from you, you don't tend to make an effort to branch out. Constantly hanging out with Ben is convenient and environmentally friendly. And while we don't always understand each other, we really GET each other. Does that make any sense? The silences are never awkward. That's the best.

The problem is that he's going to Germany tomorrow for the rest of the summer. I know it's not technically true, but I feel like I'll have no more friends here once he's gone. I haven't seen anyone else in long times varying from months to years.

I'm going back to school soon enough, but I'll have similar problems there too. Most of the people I came in with have graduated. My favorite girl in the world is in Guam for at least three years. I'm afraid we're going to lose touch, mostly because I'm terrible at keeping in touch. As for the rest of my friends, I feel like I'm not an essential part of their lives. They like me and enjoy spending time with me when I'm around, but I'm easy to forget when I'm not there. Especially now that several of them have started dating each other. Nine times out of ten when I'm with another person and someone comes to talk to both of us, they mostly just focus on the other person. It's that one person out of ten that I live for. Lindsey was always one person out of ten.

I know it's hypocritical, but I tend to think of my real friends as the ones who actually make the effort to show that they think of me when I'm not there. I need to return the favor. I'm going to try to start making the effort around here. I lost my phone and therefore all of my numbers, so I'll have to hunt people down on Facebook. That being said, if anyone from the past is reading this and wants to catch up, just Facebook me or something. I'm looking at you, Coleman Wilson. You must be girls! Let's date! (lol@ancientnerdyreferences)

I'm really not as freaked about this as I seem. I'm just tired and can't stop musing. I'm perfectly fine with working, reading, and chilling with my family. My family is the one thing that's hard to compartmentalize. There are plenty of things that bug me about them, but they're always going to be in my life. And I know that one day we'll run out of time.

All in all, I'm probably not be anyone's favorite person in the world, but that's ok. I think I'm pretty kickass.

Edit: Just as I'm about to post this blog, I see that Lindsey has tagged me in a Facebook note. I love her. :-)

1 comment:

  1. I can relate with wondering if your friends really care about you, especially when you aren't there. I unfortunately cannot seperate a feeling from a scent, a movie, a book. So basically all day I'm a walking time machine going back in forth. I envy your ability to compartmentalize your life. That being said I think for friendships to work it has to go both ways with the communication just like in any other relationship, but of course you can only control your side of it. I wish you the best of luck. I'm positive things will start to look up for you : ) Long post over.